Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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