Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Randomize
