Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
