I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
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