Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
