At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
