farters have to be the big spoon...
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
