There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
