We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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