Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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