She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
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