it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
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