I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
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just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
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If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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