Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Holy sore nipples Batman
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
