toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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