my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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