Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
