I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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