Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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