Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
