I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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