I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
did i walk over a car last night?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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