I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Randomize
