I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
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