Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
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He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
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I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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