We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
