I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
