I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
