no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
