she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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