Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
