see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
