i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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