you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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