Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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