also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
