i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
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