so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
