so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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