Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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