U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
