There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
