i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
