Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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