dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
