She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
