I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
