Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
