she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
