i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
