final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
