Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
