he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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