just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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