Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
